What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 04:14
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
What is the most inappropriate thing your wife has done in front of you?
She was in good health!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So whats the point in blame.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But, we were locked up after school.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Do you wear tights for warmth or to make your legs look better?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was seconnd youngest,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Put me off passion for life!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Humans Age Faster at 2 Specific Times in Their Life, Study Finds - ScienceAlert
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
How can I easily get rid of my writers block?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Was to survive, this bastard.
What do you do when your family doesn’t care about you?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was 9 years of age.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We were not on the streets..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He knew the spot.
Im still living with it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I waited trembling.
Would this be the day?
I was very sick at this time too.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Ive learnt so much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why did i forgive my father ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I don,t even have a pension.
She loved him until the end.
So, i spoilt her more .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She found it foreign!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I have no regrets .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was scared of men, in general
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We all went to grammer schools
Especially a lifetime of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Comes on , in middle age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I write beautiful poetry .
I will be 64.
And i lived it daily.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My family never makes their pension either.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I think the readers, may guess!
I said to her
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She married twice! .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot live in the past .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
This is soul school!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But it wasn’t much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My life is so biszare .
It was going to be , some day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..